I'm putting this on the Pundit's forum because I do believe it is of interest to him, and strangely enough I trust the diversity of opinions here for suggestions.
I've begun to doubt my atheism.
This is not some pleasant epiphany. I am bedeviled by the thought that I'm allowing myself to be seduced into wishful irrationality just because at age 33 I can't stand the idea of hollow scientific materialism anymore. I doubt my doubt.
This isn't some great drama either. I have not experienced any life-shaking event like the death of a loved one. I suppose the closest explanation was my recent turning away from a lot of politics and art (religion substitutes?) in quiet disgust.
I guess many of my old heroes are turning into people before my eyes, petty people, frail people, who resent their own accomplishments in silly ways and often die seemingly unfulfilled. Lately I've been reading the biography of Charles de Gaulle and find myself in envious awe in the strength of his convictions, religious or otherwise (the contrast with modern France's meandering nihilism is stark to me for personal reasons).
I find very little guidance I can trust out there as I wrestle with this. Most of my friends and family wouldn't understand. Resources other than organized religions are limited, and organized religions just seem too compromised, too obvious, too much like human-centric fairy tales from a simpler time. They aggravate my doubt of my doubt. But perhaps that's ignorance speaking.
I don't know. I'm not sure of much anymore, except I feel such joy at being alive and see such wonder and glory through it all, even in the face of the horrors, that I just can't move on without some soul (heh) searching.
Does anyone have any advice?
I've begun to doubt my atheism.
This is not some pleasant epiphany. I am bedeviled by the thought that I'm allowing myself to be seduced into wishful irrationality just because at age 33 I can't stand the idea of hollow scientific materialism anymore. I doubt my doubt.
This isn't some great drama either. I have not experienced any life-shaking event like the death of a loved one. I suppose the closest explanation was my recent turning away from a lot of politics and art (religion substitutes?) in quiet disgust.
I guess many of my old heroes are turning into people before my eyes, petty people, frail people, who resent their own accomplishments in silly ways and often die seemingly unfulfilled. Lately I've been reading the biography of Charles de Gaulle and find myself in envious awe in the strength of his convictions, religious or otherwise (the contrast with modern France's meandering nihilism is stark to me for personal reasons).
I find very little guidance I can trust out there as I wrestle with this. Most of my friends and family wouldn't understand. Resources other than organized religions are limited, and organized religions just seem too compromised, too obvious, too much like human-centric fairy tales from a simpler time. They aggravate my doubt of my doubt. But perhaps that's ignorance speaking.
I don't know. I'm not sure of much anymore, except I feel such joy at being alive and see such wonder and glory through it all, even in the face of the horrors, that I just can't move on without some soul (heh) searching.
Does anyone have any advice?
When an atheist doubts (help)
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